Insert Title Here
by Gabs
Summary: A normal weekend in the life of God, Death, Demon and Harley. R for language and violence. CHAPTER 2 UP
1. So It Begins

INSERT TITLE HERE.

Ladders are useful. They also have many uses, and you can use them for many things. This is, in general, common knowledge, and it's also fairly widely known. However, it is not generally recommended that you store your ladders (any color or size) in your freezer. No, not even the one in the garage. I would advise that you keep your ladders and your freezers separate. Then again, I could be wrong.

It's been known to happen on occasion.

Now, having said that, we shall continue on to the story itself.

One warm winter day- or was it a cold summer day?- in some city located in some state in some country or another, some people were doing stuff. However, those people, what they were doing, in that particular city, and that state, in that one country, is of absolutely no relevance to us. So we shall ignore them, and let them carry on with whatever it is that they are doing.

Meanwhile, in some other city, either close to or far from that first city that we are now studiously ignoring, other people were doing other stuff. And this other stuff is relevant to this story. Why?

Because those people number 4. Why is this important?

Because those 4 people are God, Death, Demon, and Harley.

And on this warm winter day, God was busy painting her nails in her usual pattern. On her left hand, the thumb and the middle finger were both blue, while the index finger was green. Her last 2 fingers had a metallic silver background, with a spattering of pink sparkles. Her right hand had the first 3 fingers reversed- green blue green, rather than blue green blue. God was obsessively fixing the pink sparkles on her last fingers when Demon entered the room.

"Whatcha doing?" she called, startling God.

"Curse the Commies!" God yelled as she slipped up with her sparklies. This prompted Harley to stick her head into the room.

"Ya know, you don't hear democrats running around saying 'Curse the demmies!' At least, I never have," Demon noted.

"I'd think they would say damn the demmies. Go with the whole alliteration thing and such," Harley stated.

"What about the republicans?" Death asked as she joined the group.

"Revile the reppies?" God suggested as she fixed her nail polish.

"I suppose that could work," Demon said considerately. Most people would have said this in a thoughtful manner, but as Demon is, of course, a PK, she can not do anything thoughtfully, for thought is a conduct that is not permitted by the PKz. God herself looks down on this reprehensible action, though she earlier ignored Harley's use of the abhorred word. 

As she waited for her nails to dry, God began rocking back and forth in her usual manner. Once she was satisfied that her nails were dry enough to work with, God removed herself from her bed and headed down the 3 flights of stairs and into the basement. For lack of anything better to do, Death followed God. With a shrug, Harley went after her. Grabbing her favorite katana, Demon chased them. In the basement, she found God leading the other 2 into one of the secret rooms: God's War Room. Hands clasped behind her back, God stared at a big map on the wall. After a few moments of contemplation- naturally, without thought- God turned to one of the chairs in the room. This particular chair was occupied by the leader of her army, to whom she soon spoke.

"Onomatopoeia. Is the army ready to launch pre-emptive assaults against someone?" Her general remained quiet, which Demon interpreted as a yes. God nodded in agreement.

"Who's the first target?" Death asked eagerly. She readjusted the butterfly clips in her hair as she began to mentally prepare to slaughter thousands of innocents for no particular reason.

"When are we going to attack?" Harley added anxiously. She hoped it wouldn't be anytime in the next hour; she didn't want to miss _Batman._ God turned again to Onomatopoeia. 

"Will the army be ready in 2 hours?" she questioned. Harley sighed in relief. Once again, Onomatopoeia's silence was taken as a yes. God turned back to the really big map on the wall.

"Demon, will you do the honors of picking our first target for the weekend?" Demon nodded happily and stepped up. Everyone else took a few steps back, putting a healthy distance between themselves and Demon. God remembered to grab Onomatopoeia from his chair and keep him out of harms way. She couldn't afford to lose another general. Demon shut her eyes and began swinging the katana. 10 minutes later, it stuck into a spot on the map. God stepped forward to see. 

"Looks like… who cares, someone figure it out. I want some cheesecake." With that, God and Onomatopoeia left the War Room and headed to the kitchen. Harley stepped up to the map. 

"Next time, perhaps you can consider using a letter opener or something? Cuz whenever you use the katana, it butchers the city, and-" Demon cut her off.

"That's what we do anyway, right?" Harley nodded slightly.

"Well, yeah, but when we can't read the name of the city we're supposed to butcher, it makes it a bit more difficult." Demon nodded in understanding. A moment later, God and Onomatopoeia returned. God carried her cheesecake in one hand and her general in the other. 

"So, who's the target?" The other 3 turned frantically to the map.

"Berezniki," Death concluded a brief second later. God looked at her. 

"Ok. So where the hell is that?" They all shrugged and God looked to Onomatopoeia. This time, his silence was taken as an uncertain. God frowned.

"Why don't we just walk down the street and destroy whatever new town we come to, like we've done each weekend of the last 2 months?" Harley suggested. After a few moments of incredibly serious contemplation, God took a bite of her cheesecake. Then she shrugged. 

"Sure, whatever works dude." She finished her cheesecake, then turned her attention to Onomatopoeia. 

"I need you to get the army ready. We're outta here sooner or later, and they have to be prepared at that exact time. Do you understand?" His silence was interpreted as a yes. God nodded at him, and set him down with the rest of the army on the table.

"We'll be back when I told you. Make sure they're ready. We can't afford for the whole army to be unprepared. Onomatopoeia, I'm counting on you." Her semi-motivational speech finished, God turned to see Death and Demon swatting at each other with swords.

"Hey! You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!!" They both looked apologetic, so God sighed.

"At least take it to the kitchen or something," she muttered. The duo ran out of the room and the clashing of steel could be heard. God looked to Harley.

"I know you have things to do, things that are of the utmost importance." Harley nodded gravely.

"Go do them. Be back here, prepared for war, sooner or later." Harley nodded again and ran for her TV. God turned back to survey her Really Big Map, and pondered the reason behind all of the large gaps as she yanked Demon's katana out of the wall. She began to swing it experimentally, apologizing profusely as she cut down one of her own soldiers. She stuck the katana into the door of the garage, jumping slightly as she heard a strangled noise on the other side, and a red fluid began appearing on the ground. Rolling her eyes, God moved to go upstairs. She had a war to prepare for, sooner or later. And sooner would probably came before later, so she had to make sure everyone was ready sooner, so they wouldn't be caught unawares later. With these considerations running through her head, God went to the kitchen for another piece of cheesecake. It really was good.


	2. The Random Town

Having finished her cheesecake, God returned to the War Room to stare at the Really Big Map on the wall and strategize with Onomatopoeia. As they planned and plotted and pondered, and just in general looked at the Really Big Map, Death and Demon were busy trying to kill one another in the kitchen. Suddenly, Demon jumped onto the counter and blocked Death's next shot. 

"Dude! Let's go run down the street and kill anyone we see!" Death considered, then nodded brightly. Harley walked in at that point. 

"Don't step on the cheesecake!" she screeched, tackling Demon. 

"Does she count as anyone we see?" Death asked. 

"Uh… I'd go with no, just so we don't annoy God." Death frowned.

"Why don't we want to annoy God?" Demon rolled her eyes.

"Cuz when she gets annoyed, she delays her storming of cities. I don't have anything else to do today, so let's not annoy her. C'mon, there are people to kill, buildings to blow up! Don't just stand there!" Harley watched them run out, then shrugged and turned around. She stared at the cheesecake for a minute, then grabbed a piece. She glanced up at a clock and, deciding that sooner or later had not yet come, walked back to her room to watch another episode of Batman.

Meanwhile, down in the War Room, God and Onomatopoeia were still staring at the Really Big Map. God had her hands clasped behind her back. After a few moments of quite contemplation, she decided that she liked the shape of Sweden better than any other country. And of course, this had nothing at all to do with Lena Olin. Besides, New Zealand had a lovely shape too, and this had nothing at all to do with Kevin Smith or Lucy Lawless. And Russia was also aesthetically pleasing, which had nothing to do with Irina Derevko. 

With a shrug, God looked to her watch. It was time to attack some random city, and her generals were all MIA, with the exception of the ever-loyal, strong and silent Onomatopoeia. After a few more moments of silently contemplating the Really Big Map on the Wall, God heard footsteps. Once she ascertained that they were, indeed, real, and not just in her head, she set about trying to decide whose they were. Finally, she nodded to herself and glanced to Onomatopoeia as he wondered if it was Harley.

"It is indeed Harley." A moment later, the aforementioned PsychoKiller entered the room. 

"Hey dudes," she said.

"Sooner or later has come and gone. You were late." Harley rolled her eyes. 

"Sorry dude, I had to save your cheesecake." At this, God whirled around.

"What?" Harley shrugged.

"Death and Demon were totally fighting in the kitchen, and they almost killed it. I saved it though, so it's ok." God sighed in relief.

"You've done good work Harley. Now, are you ready to go slaughter people mindlessly?" Harley shrugged.

"Sure, whatever. I have nothing better to do." God nodded, pleased. She grabbed her cell phone and called Demon on hers.

"Demon? This is God. I would request the presence of yourself and Death in the War Room, immediately. Failure to comply with this request will result in unpleasant ramapercussions. Thank you, and have a nice day." Harley looked considerate.

"Ramapercussions? Is that a word?" God shrugged.

"Of course it is. At least, it is now." Harley gave her an odd look.

"How come?"

"Just because."

"Not good enough."

"Cuz I said so, vandamit!" Harley nodded.

"K, works for me." God nodded. Harley nodded faster. God glared at her. Harley glared harder. God flipper her off. Harley flipped her off with both fingers. God threw one of her soldiers at Harley. In shock, Harley dove to catch him, then glared at God, flipped her off, and nodded, all at the same time. They were still in the same positions when Death and Demon entered the room moments later.

"Umm… random city? Lots of people? Dead? Blood flowing in the streets?" Demon said, trying to draw their attention.

"Did we miss the party?" God asked worriedly, finally looking away from Harley, who grinned triumphantly.

"No, that was a foreshadowing of what is to come," Death said.

"Ahh, good. Well, let's get going. Everyone, grab 3 soldiers. I've got Onomatopoeia." With the army loaded up and ready, the four all trooped out to the weapons room and grabbed lots of weapons of mass destruction. Ten minutes later, they were walking down the road in silence, having learned that it was much more successful to attack random towns if they approached silently rather than arguing over which hottie was hottest. Soon enough, they stumbled upon a random town. 

"This good?" Harley asked. God nodded and shrugged simultaneously.

"Works for me. Onomatopoeia?" The 5 Star general- just above Harley, Death, and Demon, all 4 Star generals- remained silent.

"Ok, let's go." They ran into town, guns blazing and Tootsie Rolls flying. After twenty minutes of the siege, God held up a hand. Ten minutes later, the troops finally noticed, and came to attention. God called for the townspeople to come out and face them.

"Give us your Bobs! If you willingly hand over any and every Bob that currently resides here, we shall leave you and your city alone!" She jumped as a board fell to the ground near her feet.

"What's left of your city, anyway," she quickly amended. The people all stared at her. She looked around.

"Do you not have anyone named Bob here? Don't you assclowns know that the insidious, nefarious Bob's will be the downfall of the world as we know it?" The people continued to stare, before someone finally pointed at one of the burned down buildings.

"The only Bob in town lived there." God pursed her lips.

"Damn. I guess our work here is done." God, Death, Demon, Harley, and Onomatopoeia all looked at one another. Well, actually, Onomatopoeia just kinda stared in whichever general direction God pointed him. In this instant, it was at the ground, until God realized that he might like to be included in the plans, at which point she lifted him up to partake in the discussion.

"Shall we unleash the most vicious fighting force the world has ever seen right here, right now?" God asked.

"Yes!" Death cried.

"Right now!" Harley agreed.

"Kill 'em all!" Demon yelled.

Onomatopoeia just stared. 

The townspeople looked horrified. 

"You got Bob! You said your work was finished!"

"Actually, I said it was done. And that was just referring to the five of us. You see-"

"Five? I only count four."

"Well that's because you're an idiot," Harley volunteered.

"And a loser," Death agreed.

"Completely lame," Demon added.

"And an absolute fucktard!" God finished. She held up Onomatopoeia.

"Here is our fifth. Now, as I was saying, the five of us are-"

"Are you mad? THAT is your fifth?"

"Yes, I am, and yes, he is. Why do you ask?"

"Because that is a spork, you raving lunatic!" God drew back as if she had been spit at… which was fitting, as the shouting man did indeed have a lisp, and as such, was effectively covering the whole area in saliva- and not the band that God liked so much. At any rate, God drew back and stared at the man. She then turned to her comrades.

"Is it just me, or do they really seem to like us?" Everyone nodded in agreement.

"They must. I mean, they just called you a mad, raving lunatic dude! You've never gotten such high praise from our victims before!" Harley pointed out. God nodded proudly.

"I should make a speech…" The other 3 nodded vigorously.

Onomatopoeia just stared.

"I want to thank you all for your kinds words. Your support of my efforts has been truly inspiring. It is because of people like you that I continue to slaughter and pursue the true horrors of the world: Bobs, bible thumpers, Hulkamaniacs, and fans of the Little Mermaid. However, I couldn't have come this far in my quest without the assistance of my four- count 'em, FOUR! - loyal officers, Death, Demon, Harley and Onomatopoeia. So thank you, all four of you. You do great work, and it is because of you that I receive such high praise. Thank you, everyone." Demon, Harley, and Death all applauded voraciously; the townspeople gaped in confuzion; Onomatopoeia just stared. After a moment of relative silence, God looked up.

"Ok. Toss out the army. Let's blow this popsicle stand. Hey, let's go get some popsicles while we're at it." The villagers cowered in fear as the five- yes, FIVE- beings in front of them reached for the ultimate weapon: God's Almighty Army of Sporkerificness. They viciously threw the sporks at the people and waited for the carnage that was sure to come.

Nothing happened; Onomatopoeia just stared. God frowned.

"We're gonna have to work on that." Demon nodded reluctantly.

"Ah well. Guess we have to blow this popsicle stand literally now," Death said, sounding none too sorry. God shrugged. 

"I guess so." She glanced at Death, who was clapping excitedly, out of the corner of her eye.

"Would you care to do the honors?" Death threw her hands in the air and began running around like a football player who had just won the Super Bowl (which should be immediately followed by an outstanding episode of Alias, but is not because the idiots at ABC instead decide to air about an hour of post game coverage that pushes Alias into a later time slot and means that the episode that gathers the highest ratings the show has had is not eligible for any top 10 ratings lists) shouting, "Yes!" God watched for about five minutes before looking somewhat dizzy. She stuck her foot out and tripped Death at the first opportunity.

"You can either take this chance to finish the job, or you can continue running around while I allow Harley to do it." Death quickly jumped up and grabbed her C-4. She set it up and set it to go off in two minutes. The group of five -yes, FIVE- then walked out of town, with the sky turning a strange orange color behind them. Suddenly, God stopped and smacked her forehead. She shut her eyes briefly.

"What? Harley asked. God sighed.

"We forgot the rest of the army."

"Again?" Demon sounded exasperated.

"Yeah."

"Didn't we do that a month ago?" Death asked.

"Three weeks ago," God corrected. She then shrugged.

"Ah well, I'm over it. I still have Onomatopoeia and you guys… in that order… so I suppose I can make do until I can get to Taco Bell and recruit some more sporks." They all fell silent and continued the long walk down the street and back to their castle.


End file.
